Looks like I still have work to do
(UTARMCAGREEDYSONSABEETCHESREJECTTHIRTYMILLIONBUCKEROOSANDGOVERN-)
*GASp*
(-MENTTRANSFORMATIONPROGRAMME)
*wheeze koff koff*
So it's been exactly 21 days since I started work at The Great Big Ball of Fire in The Sky. Aka TGBBFS. That shall be the code word for where I work now. And like all new jobs, I struggle to prove myself and prove I am not a complete idiot but I must say.
I think I failed.
Three weeks isn't really enough time to tell if I am going to get myself fired or not but if I do not prove my worth soon I shall find myself out of a job.
Perhaps I am too melodramatic but in TGBBFS, it is serious. Dead serious. People here don't laugh, they don't smile, they don't joke, and they certainly do not suffer fools. And I, my friends, can be foolish.
I think I am not doing as well as I thought I would, and I am certain I have annoyed quite a few of the editors there. I simply find it hard to get used to the high power distance (thank you, Education) that is so in contrast to the way I could call MR H anytime and discuss with him anything. I miss that, and my ex-colleagues, the most. I miss the laughter and the ease, the way I could be involved in everything down to the final layout.
But I do not miss the way the company is being mismanaged, and I do not miss having the feeling my rice bowl could be kicked over at any time. That company is on it's way down, and I heard this from the horses mouth. The concern now is how to absorb the staff back into the group, and that is the only thing that is keeping the company from closing down entirely.
I blame a certain person, whom I shall not name. Everyone who heard that I resigned and joined the TGBBFS told me that it was the right choice. Let's face it. I'd rather be small fry in a big pond than a big fry in a DRIED OUT POND. I could have made top-dog, but I'd rather be small-puppy in a big kennel than a big-dog in a cardboard box.
Over here, the smallest frying pan in the office is too big for me, thats how small-fish I am. I knew exactly what I was going into, and what I would be getting, but it's hard to get used to it. It's been three weeks and I am still struggling to catch up. I am usually quite fast, but working where I was must have given me some bad habits that I can't break yet.
I worry that I am losing my touch, and I am totally unsure of myself. Perhaps it's because I have worked here before that nobody bothered to give me a briefing or show me how things work. But they forgot, it was 3 years since I last worked there. I have forgotten many things.
And so did The F (he shall be known henceforth as The F) tell me as much: "It seems that you've forgotten a lot of things since the last time you were here. I understand and give you some time to adjust but if you still don't, I shall have to turn on the heat."
Which is Editor speak for: "Get your shit together or you're fucked."
Of the 21 days, I worked 18. I had only 3 days of break for the past 3 weeks.
I think it's not fair of him to say the heat has not been turned on yet. As far as I can see, I have turned on my own heat.
BUT I SIMPLY JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.
I don't know if I am allowed to work independently or at my own pace anymore. I don't know who I should speak to for this and that, I don't know if I can approach so-and-so for this or that.
Heck, I am too shy even to drink the bloody tea/coffee. -___-'
I don't know what to do anymore, and I am not sure of my place anymore, and for this, I feel helpless and stupid and angry and frustrated and depressed.
I wish I KNEW WHAT TO DO. I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME.
But looks like nobody will. I'm scared. What if at the end of six months they tell me: Hey, by the way, sorry, you're too mediocre to be here. Go back to where you were.
If they do, there is a rope that has my name on it.
