I wanted to write about my life, about my job (which is killing me, faster than I'm sure my booze habits will), my friends, my family.
Then I got Some News.
And 24 hours later, I'm not sure if I know how to wrap my head around it. I'm not sure if I can face up to it either.
So I write it here because I am a writer (or I try my darndest to be) and words in print is the only way I know how to express myself.
And because I know the two people I love in this world, whom I treasure beyond what even they comprehend, will read this.
So here goes.
To you, mi amigo. I loved you. I might as well say it now, since it's now irrevocably, and perhaps thankfully (mostly on your part, I'm sure) over.
For the longest time I loved you because you are funny, sweet, nice, kind and you made me laugh. You also, despite your annoying procrastinating ways, are wise, and the only guy I ever knew who took the time to listen to me properly. Even though your advice may be a bit... unorthodox.
So I loved you. From the day I met you, to the very last minute of yesterday, I liked you and I was not subtle about it. Subtlety is not my strong suit, I'm afraid.
I knew you didn't feel the same. You are sadly mistaken if you thought I didn't know. I did. It was the worst feeling in the world, but I knew. So I did the only thing I could do. I settled for being your friend.
I stuck up for you when I could (even though it was interfering), I helped you out when I could, and I was okay with it. You did the same for me. Friends. That was good enough for me.
So you needn't worry that the feelings are still there.
For that part, that is over.
Now for the other part.
You are a colossal idiot. I said it to you and I meant it. You are an idiot of the first degree, whose entry into Fucked Up Big Time will forever remain engraved in stone.
You broke so many Bro Codes it is incomprehensible, and you betrayed a guy you've known for the past 4 years, the guy you studied, ate, laughed, gamed and drank with.
You knowingly broke his heart and stomped all over it. You hurt his pride, his ego, and his feelings.
For his part, I do not doubt that he will never forgive you. But that is between you and him and my rant ends here.
For my part, I told you I will always be your friend and I meant it. You have been a good friend to me, and one Fucked Up Big Time is not going to destroy what you were. I remember you as the only guy I know who listened to me moan about my problems without trying to brush me off and I appreciate it deeply.
But I won't be able to talk to you or see you or be around you for a very, very long time.
(I suppose that must be a bit of a relief, eh? Me and my incessant chatter gone for a bit.)
So yeah. I despise you (just a little) for what you did, but I hope you and her are happy together, and I really, really mean that from the bottom of my heart.
To you Zenzei, I meant everything I said on the phone.
But harsh as this may seem, what you did, and are doing to him is unforgivable, horrible, unkind, unfair and totally jerky.
I'm sure I do not need to pour more salt to a wound you already have, but I'm just a little bit angry enough to type it out and so I will.
I appreciate you calling me and telling me, and most of all, I appreciate your friendship so yes, I will always be your friend, and Trusted Aide. You and I still share many things in common, and you've been a good friend, and I don't abandon friends for fucking up because my friends did not abandon me when I fucked up too.
But I'm going to apply for a Long Leave, if you don't mind. I have appointed my replacement and the running of the Brainz Assembly will be in good hands.
To the both of you.
I love you both to bits, still do. You guys probably don't even realise how much you all mean to me, and probably don't understand why I am so upset by all this when I was not the betrayed party.
The reason is this:
I've NEVER had friends. I was a loser, nobody wanted to be friends with me, I was a fucked up and fat mess until YOU guys (you, him, Bra, K, V) came and became my friends and accepted me for what I am.
For the first time in my life I was included in something, I was part of a GANG. Not a gun-totting, drug-dealing, people-killing Gang, but a GANG of friends whom I can count on to have my back or hang out with me and keep me in check when my job gets the better of me.
A gang of friends I could trust, that I could say to people when they ask: "Oh, I'm having dinner with my friends" or "I went to Penang with my gang of friends".
So maybe you can forgive me for being angry at the both of you for messing all that up? I will never have all six of us, the Penang gang (and 5/6 Melaka gang) together again the same way, and I am angry about that.
I know I over-react but that's how it is. I am angry at the two of you for taking that away from me, and I am really, REALLY sorry for being selfish when the both of you have enough guilt to bear already.
I want to be the big person (not physically, I got that covered, but you know what I mean) and have a little perspective and reason on this matter and maybe be like my sis, who said: "Be happy for them. Get a little perspective. Bryan will get over her soon enough and life WILL move on. Jee never liked you and you'll find new friends."
I still love you both, my friends. And I hope you will understand that I need some time to sulk, to mope, to fret and sulk some more.
But most of all, I hope that you'll both still be there for me when I finish sulking.
