Avenging Angel

He used to breathe, a long time ago. Before he stood still, silent and unflinching before the vagaries of salty wind and tropical rains –the only breaths he drew being those of solid stone.

He loved once, a long long time ago. Another, just like him, whose wings were a pure, soft, luminous white. Wings he stroked beneath his trembling fingers, wings that roused such heartbreaking passions in him he could scarcely contain it.

He used to cry, but this was not that long ago. He cried when his beloved eagerly rose to meet him in the gentleness of the morning sun. Arms that encircled him came with the subtle swoosh of silky hair –so fair and so smooth it broke him when he saw it caked in blood.

He killed, just once, and this happened not long after he found those wings broken and bent in mockery of their love. He held the broken body in his arms, and keened his loss to the heavens, which abandoned him.

But now he stands at the entrance, forever set in stone. A punishment for the vengeance he wreaked.

Every year the people who mill around him swear they see tears rolling down the fading paint on his cheeks. Tears for the sins of man, they say.

They are wrong. The tears will be for the Heavens, for when the stone prison crumbles, he will kill just once more, and plunge the world into darkness.

The people are wrong, but by the time they know it, it will be too late anyway.




just a whim, and a fancy when I took this picture of a statue of an angel in Melaka, at the entrance of St Peter's church. Not a good piece, but I just wanted to write something other than life and studies here.

Sometimes the world deals you lemons

... and the only thing you can do, really, is shove it in your own face and taste the sour-ness, because lemonade is over-rated.

How do you make lemonade from life's lemons anyways? If it were that easy, well, baby, nobody'd get emotional breakdowns and slit their own wrists. Or burn themselves. Or jump off buildings. Or gas themselves in the car. Or consume pills of every shape, colour, size so that the job is gonna be done properly. Or hang themselves from the ceiling.

sounding like a blog for 'how to commit suicide' now.

But I digress.

I've been handed some nasty lemons. The ones that have crinkly skin, look utterly unappealing, and can only be decribed as 'wtf those are lemons???'

a.k.a those you find in the supermarket for an unbelievably expensive price, wrapped up and labelled as 'Egypt lemons' with a RM 3.99 tag, for three lemons. THREE. Check it out if ya dont believe me.

I digress again.

My lemons were shoved into my face, and there was squat I could do about it. But ever so often -

just sometimes!

-they get better.

Maybe you get used to them. Maybe the sourness goes away when you've had tonnes of them, and you just decide to give it your all (burn a few taste buds along the way) and -

- just sometimes!

things get better. Things get better.

Last post being emo, this post, perhaps I am more melancholy? Its now the end of my three-year journey, and truly, how much longer can I go on holding on to my troubles?

hugs in return for LM and V, who are truly the sweetest people ever, sorry I've been such a downer lately.

I am an open book, and I wear my heart on my sleeves. I've been that way from the very beginning, and for that, when I get upset, its quite easy to see.

Still, I have to learn how to tuck my feelings and heart into my pockets when I start work. There ain't no room for emotions in work.

I want to go Penang or Melaka with you guys. I do. I wanna eat pork satay, and I wanna have one last round of pure, unadulterated fun with my friends before work eats up my life.

Oh. Did I mention? I can. Lol. The dinos have given the green light.

Maybe thats why I am grinning.

^^,

A Proper Update

I think, in light of all the hectic-ness now, its no surprise updates are few and far between. Life, in all its sweaty glory, is one helluva ride with no stops and several heart attacks lined up if you make it to the end. If.



I am ashamed to say I fell into the realm of quik-ee updates; short little affairs which mess with the people who stumble into my blog (I am grateful you stuck around long enough to read until HERE so thanks). Quik-ee updates are great if there are actually some Twitter-style, real-time thingamajig going on, but there isnt any of those here. So it all boils down to laziness on my part.



Laziness to talk about the things that have gone on in the past few weeks leading up to now and dating back to before the Pre-Graduation Party. Laziness to admit that much behaviour on my part is cringe-worthy at best.



At the end of the post I believe there will be some eyebrow raising and mouth hanging going on at the sheer ridiculousness of it all (especially my reactions, which, needless to say, is totally uncharacteristic of me).



I think I know where to begin.



Lets begin here:





The Unfortunate Incident of the Assignment in the Day Time



I suppose in this instance, that as the three years flash by us -



(first year: play, second year: a little work + more play, and third year: HOLY SHIT WHAT DID I DO FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS)



-we begin to take different directions. Some of us go the direction of getting more involved with work, and fussing over every assignment in hopes of that elusive First Class Honours. Some of us go the direction of taking it easy, for there is more to life than university, perhaps. Some of us drift by, aimless, but enjoying it. A select few of us go the route of killing ourselves with achieving perfection.



Some, like Mr Yap, go the direction of 14,000 words on the FYP. My hats off to him. His reseolve and tenacity is admirable.



But whichever direction we have chosen to take, the beauty of it has always been that we've never clashed or argued -to each his own was the motto - until lately, when it seems that certain roads we took led to arguments, friction and a general ill-feeling over the whole rigmarole.



I would like to believe I took the route of taking it easy, but doing work also, but I admit I have gone for the last route: killing myself to achieve -oh, I still don't know what. Perfection? Nah. Satisfaction? Maybe. Pride? Most likely.



I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to do all I can do to carve a name for myself, live up to expectations, and deal with adult pressures when in truth, I am just a child in many ways.



I wanted to prove that yes, P-chan is strong, P-chan is amazing in her handling of work + uni, and yes, the Whale can take on responsibilities that no one, certainly not at my age, should take on.



I wanted to be the perfect friend, the one who stuck up for you, the one who did what would make you happiest. I wanted to be the eternal diplomat, the peacemaker.



And in all my wants (for pride?) I ended up hurting a lot of people, not just myself.



I ended up being torn between two, ended up emotionally f*cked on my birthday, no less, and ended up as a trainwreck who no longer knew what to think, or who to trust.



-because it happened. That one assignment. The one which ruined me, made me someone I am ashamed of, and destroyed my relationships with the people I care most about.



I admit it was also my folly. I should have been more vigilant. I should have been more calm, and less emotionally f*cked. I should not have attempted to intervene when really, I should have kept my mouth shut.



In the end, it wasn't even worth it. It wasn't worth the heartache. And just when I thought things were on the mend, things got worse. Because nothing, nothing is ever easy.



I had a huge row with someone who probably didnt deserve it. I broke down in front of someone whom I have long been confused about. I made two friends angry with my indecision and my paddling around. I made things tense (somehow, I dont know how but I think its my fault) between two groups of my friends whom I wish would just get along again.



I listened to truths I did not want to believe, but the truth is the truth; I have to believe them. And these truths hurt a lot; with no chance for me to dispute or change. How do you walk up to someone you care about and ask them if they did so-and-so to you, which really hurt you?



How do you approach someone to say, hey, I am sorry this all happened, but can we go back to the way things were? How do you make things better between you and the one you've cherished in secret? Would things ever get better?



Suppose I say the lack of sleep caused it, or the immense pressure I've been facing financially. Suppose I blame the long nights I typed away at my laptop, hoping to write something that would please my editor and get a few words of praise.

Pride, indeed. When it is all said and done, what do I hold as most important? What do I treasure most? My work? My friends? My family? Can I not have all of them go swimmingly well? Is it too greedy of me to expect all of it?

In the end, the assignment was a car crash of epic proportions, of which involved much stupidity from certain parties who decided to change the plans last minute, for some twisted reason. Am I angry? Yes, I am angry at myself for not forseeing this, for not trying harder, for getting screwed over.

I am angry that I am angry. I am angry I can't let this go. I am angry, most of all, that I had to do certain things and make certain decisions that have made me something I hate: a tightwad. These things I chose to do on my own, and that is why I am angry most of all.

I truly thought I was better than that, but it turns out I am not. I am pissed at myself for that most of all.

So now, the way things stand, I am confused and angry that I am confused. I want things back the way they were -before I heard those truths, before I heard those unpleasant truths.

I want to be ignorant and happy, I want to enjoy my life again, and not stress out on the things I choose to do. I want to forget the things that I've seen and heard and realised. I want to NOT know about the hurtful truths. I don't care. I just want to be okay again.

But I can't. Because, as I once said, (things DO bite you back in the ass!) things dont go away or get better just because I want them to. They have to be dealt with, and faced.

But how do you face up to people you care about, despite EVERYTHING? How do you go about asking them: did you really care for me, all this while, the same way I cared for you?

You can't, and thats the truth of it.

Life is always bumpy

So now, I suppose I am emotionally more stable -a proper amount of sleep contributed to that a lot. The construction is long over, my house and life is back to normal (only in a small sense) and I have a job.

But I am still financially f*cked. I am still tense. I am still stressed out. I am still in the vain attempt to kill myself over work. I still dread going to work (and yet I look forward to it, somehow) and I still dread the day I have to spill my guts out.

Because things REALLY don't go away, and the sooner I realise that too, the better. Problems, like bad fish, only smell worse for being kept. We should all realise that.

I want to make things better, so so so much.

I just don't know how.

Update of Quikee Update!

- YES! Secured ze job. Start in May.

- Pay revised, won't say how much but ehe, I am happy.

- Watching GERMAN soap operas now. HAHAHAHA. Not full ones. Just the ones with the two hotties in it. HAHAHAHA. Each vid is ony 10 mins or so. Its called Verbotene Liebe: Forbidden Love. MUAHAHA. Go figure.

(talk about distraction from FYP)

- been having some VERY VIVID dreams lately, mostly involving blood and murder. And certain things not suitable to be mentioned in blogs or polite conversation. *tee hee*




Ehe.


OK. back to work!

A quik-ee update

One: Work is madness. FYP, assignments (work assignments, not Uni assignments) are piling up, and I have less and less time in a day to eat, sleep or go to where nature intended me to answer. (ahem)

However, at the risk of sounding like I am jumping the gun, I have secured myself a job. ^^, I now await the appointment letter, and I await the confirmed discussion of pay. Hopefully both come in by next week. Hopefully. Its a small job, nothing big or important, but I think this job will be good for me because I think I can learn tonnes from the editor there, who, bless him, takes the time to teach.

Editors who just spike your work without telling you why or helping you learn are too many, and editors who tell you where you went wrong so you can learn from it are rare. I plan on learning as much as I can from this editor.



Two: I have been a little under weather -headaches and some. Must be the bad weather; hot then cold then hot then blazing then BURN BABY BURN. But nothing some good sleep can't solve. IF good sleep is to be found la.



Three: Maya has a skin infection. T-T From all that construction, I suspect. It was okay at first, I cleaned it with some disinfectant, then it got worse. Vet said its common, so gave her a jab and some cream to put on it. Its better, but not by too much. Somehow suspect vet is cheating me. Hmmmmmm.


Four: THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL IS ADAM LAMBERT. 'Nuff said. Hee.

bye for now, everyone.