A Proper Update

I think, in light of all the hectic-ness now, its no surprise updates are few and far between. Life, in all its sweaty glory, is one helluva ride with no stops and several heart attacks lined up if you make it to the end. If.



I am ashamed to say I fell into the realm of quik-ee updates; short little affairs which mess with the people who stumble into my blog (I am grateful you stuck around long enough to read until HERE so thanks). Quik-ee updates are great if there are actually some Twitter-style, real-time thingamajig going on, but there isnt any of those here. So it all boils down to laziness on my part.



Laziness to talk about the things that have gone on in the past few weeks leading up to now and dating back to before the Pre-Graduation Party. Laziness to admit that much behaviour on my part is cringe-worthy at best.



At the end of the post I believe there will be some eyebrow raising and mouth hanging going on at the sheer ridiculousness of it all (especially my reactions, which, needless to say, is totally uncharacteristic of me).



I think I know where to begin.



Lets begin here:





The Unfortunate Incident of the Assignment in the Day Time



I suppose in this instance, that as the three years flash by us -



(first year: play, second year: a little work + more play, and third year: HOLY SHIT WHAT DID I DO FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS)



-we begin to take different directions. Some of us go the direction of getting more involved with work, and fussing over every assignment in hopes of that elusive First Class Honours. Some of us go the direction of taking it easy, for there is more to life than university, perhaps. Some of us drift by, aimless, but enjoying it. A select few of us go the route of killing ourselves with achieving perfection.



Some, like Mr Yap, go the direction of 14,000 words on the FYP. My hats off to him. His reseolve and tenacity is admirable.



But whichever direction we have chosen to take, the beauty of it has always been that we've never clashed or argued -to each his own was the motto - until lately, when it seems that certain roads we took led to arguments, friction and a general ill-feeling over the whole rigmarole.



I would like to believe I took the route of taking it easy, but doing work also, but I admit I have gone for the last route: killing myself to achieve -oh, I still don't know what. Perfection? Nah. Satisfaction? Maybe. Pride? Most likely.



I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to do all I can do to carve a name for myself, live up to expectations, and deal with adult pressures when in truth, I am just a child in many ways.



I wanted to prove that yes, P-chan is strong, P-chan is amazing in her handling of work + uni, and yes, the Whale can take on responsibilities that no one, certainly not at my age, should take on.



I wanted to be the perfect friend, the one who stuck up for you, the one who did what would make you happiest. I wanted to be the eternal diplomat, the peacemaker.



And in all my wants (for pride?) I ended up hurting a lot of people, not just myself.



I ended up being torn between two, ended up emotionally f*cked on my birthday, no less, and ended up as a trainwreck who no longer knew what to think, or who to trust.



-because it happened. That one assignment. The one which ruined me, made me someone I am ashamed of, and destroyed my relationships with the people I care most about.



I admit it was also my folly. I should have been more vigilant. I should have been more calm, and less emotionally f*cked. I should not have attempted to intervene when really, I should have kept my mouth shut.



In the end, it wasn't even worth it. It wasn't worth the heartache. And just when I thought things were on the mend, things got worse. Because nothing, nothing is ever easy.



I had a huge row with someone who probably didnt deserve it. I broke down in front of someone whom I have long been confused about. I made two friends angry with my indecision and my paddling around. I made things tense (somehow, I dont know how but I think its my fault) between two groups of my friends whom I wish would just get along again.



I listened to truths I did not want to believe, but the truth is the truth; I have to believe them. And these truths hurt a lot; with no chance for me to dispute or change. How do you walk up to someone you care about and ask them if they did so-and-so to you, which really hurt you?



How do you approach someone to say, hey, I am sorry this all happened, but can we go back to the way things were? How do you make things better between you and the one you've cherished in secret? Would things ever get better?



Suppose I say the lack of sleep caused it, or the immense pressure I've been facing financially. Suppose I blame the long nights I typed away at my laptop, hoping to write something that would please my editor and get a few words of praise.

Pride, indeed. When it is all said and done, what do I hold as most important? What do I treasure most? My work? My friends? My family? Can I not have all of them go swimmingly well? Is it too greedy of me to expect all of it?

In the end, the assignment was a car crash of epic proportions, of which involved much stupidity from certain parties who decided to change the plans last minute, for some twisted reason. Am I angry? Yes, I am angry at myself for not forseeing this, for not trying harder, for getting screwed over.

I am angry that I am angry. I am angry I can't let this go. I am angry, most of all, that I had to do certain things and make certain decisions that have made me something I hate: a tightwad. These things I chose to do on my own, and that is why I am angry most of all.

I truly thought I was better than that, but it turns out I am not. I am pissed at myself for that most of all.

So now, the way things stand, I am confused and angry that I am confused. I want things back the way they were -before I heard those truths, before I heard those unpleasant truths.

I want to be ignorant and happy, I want to enjoy my life again, and not stress out on the things I choose to do. I want to forget the things that I've seen and heard and realised. I want to NOT know about the hurtful truths. I don't care. I just want to be okay again.

But I can't. Because, as I once said, (things DO bite you back in the ass!) things dont go away or get better just because I want them to. They have to be dealt with, and faced.

But how do you face up to people you care about, despite EVERYTHING? How do you go about asking them: did you really care for me, all this while, the same way I cared for you?

You can't, and thats the truth of it.

Life is always bumpy

So now, I suppose I am emotionally more stable -a proper amount of sleep contributed to that a lot. The construction is long over, my house and life is back to normal (only in a small sense) and I have a job.

But I am still financially f*cked. I am still tense. I am still stressed out. I am still in the vain attempt to kill myself over work. I still dread going to work (and yet I look forward to it, somehow) and I still dread the day I have to spill my guts out.

Because things REALLY don't go away, and the sooner I realise that too, the better. Problems, like bad fish, only smell worse for being kept. We should all realise that.

I want to make things better, so so so much.

I just don't know how.