Some pretteh, and then some not-so-pretteh

Well, let's start with the pretteh:

Taken a long time ago; it's in my FB photo page, but not here. So thought I'd put it up. Outside Taman Jaya. Nearly got hit by a bus taking this. Heh.

And this. Same.

Yeah. That's not really pretty per se, but it'll do.

So now the not-so-pretteh:

Me. Entire bloody me.

Even if you asked me, chances are I'll deny the hell out of it. There are many things in my life I will admit to, and many that I'd go down in a blazing flame before I admit.

This one right here, stuffed at the corner of my brain, this niggling feeling, yeah, you can bet I'd rather die than admit it. Admit out in the open truth, that is.

Because there is one thing that I have lost that I miss keenly; and I now find a strange person-shaped hole in my heart. I am too proud to salvage it, too stubborn to admit it. I wish I knew what to do about it.

I've had it for so long I forgot what used to be there before. Maybe there wasn't anything there before, and this one thing filled it up for me. Now that it has gone, I want it back.

I want to ask you a question. Have you ever owned something you cannot see, or touch, or feel for years? And when this intangible thing disappears, is there a hole now where it used to be? Even though it wasn't solid, or touchable, you still were so attached to it anyway?

That's what a feeling is like.

A feeling you've had for a very long time. A feeling that sometimes woke you up in the middle of the night because it threatened to leap out of your heart - it was that intense. This was a feeling you lived with for years!

Then it's gone. And you want it back. Want it like you want an iPhone (yeah yeah I'm getting one, I AM AN ADULT! I'LL DO WHAT I WANT! HAH.).

But there is no getting it back. It's gone. You hope the feeling had a twin, but it didn't so that is that. It go bye bye.

Does it suck? Yeah. Do I wish I could tear my face off? Yeah. Do I wish I could tear the feeling's face off? Hell yeah.

But y'know. We human beings are the weirdest creatures. We spend long periods of time holding on to something, and then when it doesn't choose to hold us back, we give it up.

Perhaps its a survival thing.

Goodbye now.