It's been three weeks since I last blogged

F-it.

What the heck is wrong with me? Am I losing my need to regale my three readers with every aspect of my life? Am I dusty? Am I losing it? It being my sanity?

T-T

I think those bimbo blogs have had an effect on me. By blogging everyday about themselves, they put me off blogging about myself. Next thing you know my blog will be pink and take 40 minutes to load. *shudder*

But I digress.

So what's been up with me, you ask?

Urm. A sorta-failed outing. A new job (soon). A realisation. The discovery that will end world hunger. Cure to cancer.

(It's zombies. Zombies are dead, and hence, cannot get cancer. And so turning everyone into zombies will solve everything. Zombies don't kill other zombies, either. So that ends crime. Zombies don't need money, don't need food or water - they like eating brains but don't really NEED it to survive, I mean, they're DEAD - and they don't commit adultery, incest or other such sins. Since they also cannot talk, they cannot lie or backstab. Zombies rawk.)

A failed (?) outing

Supposed to go out and makan, but last minute V-dearest kena stomach ache. I upset. Then Bra-man kena fever again (he kena earlier but he recovered then kena again yes I know I can so be a Doctor kthxbai) and left me and Jeembie to roam the streets of KL, eating brains and popcorn.

He likes the brains of hobos, beggars and the occasional crazy Uncle. I have infinitely higher tastes and I enjoy me a Datuk. Eh wait f-it, they have NO brains so what the heck was I eating - Oh.

Right. Akhem. Moving on.

So it was fun, actually. Really fun. Jeembie was missing his Bromance with Bramance (er, Braman) so he felt a bit bummed out. I would object and say 'Am I not good enuff company?' but I realise that no man or woman can come between the power of a Gaming Bromance. Hur hur hur hur. So it's cool.

But it WAS fun - it's the most time I've spent and talked to Jeembie since, well, ever. And we watched Avatar in 3D oso, and it was beeyootiful max. Bought a few books (by a few I mean a lot, and by bought I mean I charged it to Hell's Card) and added to my tower of tumbling books in my room.

iLove Books *happy sigh*

iDon'tLove Credit Card Bills. *gnashing and wailing*

Anyhoooos.

Am the totally waiting for lunch now, so I'll continue my incredibly entertaining insight into Zombie-ism and Life soon enough. You're going to be so proud of me Zenzei!

Re: Your Brains

Heya Tom, it's Bob, from the office down the hall.

Good to see you buddy, how've you been?
Thing have been O.K. for me except that I'm a zombie now.
I really wish you'd let us in.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I understand
Why you folks might hesitate to submit to our demand.
But here's an FYI: you're all gonna die screaming.

All we wanna do is eat your brains.
We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes
All we wanna do is eat your brains.
We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We'll all come inside and eat your brains.

I don't want to nitpick, Tom, but is this really your plan?
Spend your whole life locked inside a mall?
Maybe that's OK for now but someday you'll be out of food and guns,
Then you'll have to make the call.
I'm not surprised to see you haven't thought it through enough.
You never had the head for all that bigger picture stuff.
But Tom, that's what I do, and I plan on eating you slowly.

All we wanna do is eat your brains.
We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes.
All we wanna do is eat your brains.
We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We'll all come inside and eat your brains.

I'd like to help you Tom, in any way I can.
I sure appreciate the way you're working with me.
I'm not a monster Tom, well, technically I am.
I guess I am...

Got another meeting Tom, maybe we could wrap it up?
I know we'll get to common ground somehow.
Meanwhile I'll report back to my colleagues who are chewing on the doors
I guess we'll table this for now
I'm glad to see you take constructive criticism well
Thank you for your time I know we're all busy as hell
And we'll put this thing to bed
When I bash your head open

All we wanna do is eat your brains
We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes
All we wanna do is eat your brains
We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We'll all come inside and eat your brains

(Jonathan Coulton - Re: Your Brains)

Of Some Things Here and There

So HS, Lord of Darkness, caught my eye with his MSN status message:

"I believe that suffering in this world is a constant. The more you suffer, the less I have to."

And it makes a twisted sense, it does. It works the same with happiness as well. Case in point: Politicians - The more money they cheat us (the ordinary people) off, the more happy they are. But since it's our money they're taking, we are, hence, sad.

It makes a whole lot of sense, especially when you start applying this constant to every part of your life. Except for good friends and family, because those guys share your happiness and sadness.

So it got me to thinking.

Sometimes in life you do things that make you have the sads so you can give someone else the happies. (vice versa also) In this act, you balance out the sads and happies in the world. Of course, the balance is purely on the one to one basis la. Global sads and happies are in Chapter 10 of this lesson.

Back to the topic at hand.

So my sads are of work. I do things which make me sads, hoping to make someone happy. But that someone became angry, and I still haven't heard of HS's theories on THAT. (Maybe the Angries of the world is balanced by the Don't Care-ness?)

So I have even the more sads, but for this, I am sure someone, SOMEONE is having the happies. A lot of happies. I have my suspicions, but I have decided to sit out on this.

So I move away from my sads, and thus, I am happy. This means someone will have the sads. But at this point, I don't care anymore la.

So ya. Like that la.

And this is the last (I promise) time you will see (read) my bitch about my work, my job and such. I've decided to Be A (Wo)Man and Do The Right Thing. So I am going to do my best for the next one-and-half months and then move on to fresh beginnings and a new slate.

Here's to my Happies.

Of all things neither here nor there

So it's been not at all long since my last post and you're all probably bored of me by now. Don't worry, I'm bored of me too. It happens.

But because I am a narcissistic and self-indulgent creature of impulses and emotion, I shall regale you with tales of backbone aches, work and my impending alcoholism. Because, you know, I roll like that mah.

(Please note that there is some amount of alcohol left in my bloodstream as I am typing this, so if what I say is a bit out of character then please, do strap me in a straightjacket and lock me way from the sweet temptress called BEER)

I am also suffering from a backache la, so I am just going to be an all-round whiny bitch la.

Nights Out of Home: 3/5

I've not been back for dinner almost this entire week, so mommy and daddy are giving me funny, somewhat hurt looks. Trust me Mom & Dad, I want to be home too, but sometimes I need to see the world outside of the four walls of my home.

That being said I miss going early to bed. And eating hot dinner with my family. And eating Daddy's cooking. And being home to watch the telly with my Dad, or tease my Mom.

But I also need to get out. Sometimes I feel like my skin is too tight and I want to escape from whatever invisible binds that hold me together.

Because I am someone always needing to be in control, I want to lose control even more badly than any normal human being. Sometimes I want to push my own boundaries and see what happens. I want to throw caution to the wind and do something so stupid I will never ever do it again or failing that, die trying.

But at the same time I am the scared puppy with the tail tucked between the legs, growling and showing ineffectual teeth. It's like being on two extreme ends of things, and neither is plausible but both are very much lusted for.

I think I may lose my mind just re-reading that sentence above.

I think YOU have lost respect for me reading that sentence above. Hur hur.

But if you've ever had the urge to do something you know you shouldn't do, you'd know how it feels.

Staring out into the crowd at Beer Factory in Sunway Giza yesterday, and seeing my colleagues (they're friends too) having a great time on three towers of Carlsberg (I hung out in Hoegaarden with Stella), I had an epiphany brought on by one and a half pints of Stella Artois:

"This is what adults do eh? It's nice. It's really nice."

Not so much the drinking. It's the whole experience that comes with having a few pints with friends and colleagues. Beer is only the liquid that greases the conversation, helps loosen the tongue and frees us from our taut lives for just a short while.

Added to that good company and great people, who could ask for more? Its not about what you're doing, it's who you're with while you're doing it. This same principle applies to sex, movies, dinner and gaming. (Bad game? Bad movie? Who cares? It's with someone you like and enjoy being around!)

So yeah. I may have overshot my budget a bit, but it was worth it. I needed to laugh at anything and everything, because when you've got a few pints in you, everything anyone says is funny as hell.

The very funny people I know; all ex-MT - L to R: Ivan's arm with ciggarette, Eliza (who was in sales in MT 3 yrs ago), Terrence, former sales and marketing manager, Kiru, best person ever who was our uni-coll exec, and Michan, Kiru's BF.

Former intern Alvin, CK (who was our IT guy now in S'pore working), and LJ. Who is in a weird pose. But it was good to see him, since I missed out on his housewarming shindig.

Aaaaand the whole gang. Malas want to intro edy. Lol.

Yeah, so the whole bunch of kaki botol came out to the watering hole, and I enjoyed my time with them like madness. So what if I have to drink and be a total 'eat my words'? I think it's a small price to pay to get to know people outside of work situations.

Because Lord knows sometimes it's so hard to just get up everyday.

Nights in Pain from Backbone

I sleep in the worst position one can imagine - foetal, back curled, blankets pulled up to the neck, chin nearly touching chest. I think it's a defense mechanism in case the Boogeyman (or Kakaman) comes to get me. He will take one look at me, declare me an insecure child with low self-esteem (because 'em psychiatrists say that ppl who sleep in foetal position are insecure and unhappy people, and we ALL know those guys are always right, pfft, shyeah, right) and then leave me unharmed.

Yeah.

So I have bad posture too, I hunch over my computer like an old grandmother, so one day, upon returning home, I bent over to wash my hands on the sink and felt this stabbing, burning pain in my lower back.

I was immobilised for ten seconds. Very bad juju.

So now it still aches, even though its been over a week, and the more I go around the more it hurts. I think I need my spine-readjusting.

(insert pun joke about being spineless here)

I need to change something in my life so I may sleep with my arms at my sides, CONFIDENT and SELF-ASSURED even when I am asleep. CAN ANYONE ACTUALLY SLEEP CONFIDENTLY? YOU TELL ME. WTF.

Anyways. It is the aching now, so I'm just going to insert one long GROAN in this post.

GGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Having Dinner with Friends

Did, however, manage to have dinner with Bra Man and JE some days back. It was great, and awesome, and it was then that I watched Inception la. Bloody good movie. Made me think. I need to think or my brain may degenerate further ok.

Didn't manage to catch the couple, though, of V and K. Sigh.

Yeah anyway this drivel has gone on for too long. Bye now.

The Times, They Are A-Changing

It's like pulling a band-aid.

Rip it out quick, and rip it out fast. So what if it hurts like a bitch. What's gotta go, gotta go. And this, THIS, has got to go. It hurts like a bitch (we've established THAT) but yeah well. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

And this girl has got to go. Go where? Back to the Sun Priestess.

There and Back Again: A Writer's Tale, by Pauline Wong

Odd, isn't it. I was going through my blog archives at random and landed on the post I wrote when I was preparing to enter into my internship at theSun. I was talking about how I wanted the Stars but I ended up with The Sun instead. Sun Priestess at that time was the HR exec (who no longer works there) and she was nice.

Two years can change someone so much.

In two years I've learnt that hard work sometimes gets you nowhere. I no longer respect or want to work with The S**r. In two years, I have seen how everything goes to hell when levels of dedication don't match. I've faced people who work like yo-yos, I've dealt with nice people and bad people, I know that sometimes being honest is going to ruin you, and worse: That people are suspicious and no, they do not trust you.

Trust is dead in the working world, and for anyone reading this (here's looking at the three of you, lol) TRUST IS NOT AN OPTION in the working world. People stab you at all times, and you stab people too sometimes, whether you meant to or not.

So now I go back to where I began. Back to where I realised I loved Journalism. Back (hopefully) to where I was once looking forward to completing my studies and foraging into the big, bad, frustrating yet exciting and interesting world that is Journalism.

Somewhere in between I had lost myself, and my love for it. I am now hoping to find it back. Because I need to. Desperately. Writing is the only thing I've ever done well and loved doing and if that is taken from me I will be a hollow shell.

(well technically I can't be a hollow shell thanks to my tendency to eat too much and vegetate in front of the computer but allow me some melodrama please? yes? thanks.)

So I sit here, typing away at my blog, waiting for some information to come in from a client. It's slow, and I was just told to buck up and contribute more by someone who seems to have forgotten I practically put the paper together, albeit rather clumsily and with too much naivety.

But it's water under a bridge. I need not deal with it anymore.

Come October, I am leaving for better prospects. And as far as anyone knows, thats why I am leaving.

And On a More Personal Level...

I dreamed of something that I regretted ever waking up from. It was so simple - a hug. Just a hug, and the words: "You're going to be alright." Who the hug was from was more important than the words, but at that moment my dream-heart was relieved - maybe I AM going to be alright even though I am foraging into uncharted (sort of) waters. That I am going to be okay no matter how much I will have to give up when I leave my current job.

Then my eyes went and opened themselves and first thing I thought was DAMN, NO, COME BACK.

But it's a dream right? Whisps. Mists. Flits away when reality comes crashing over you again.

I hate reality.

And Speaking of Dreams...

INCEPTION is the best goddamn movie of the year.

It is like Christopher Nolan has this checklist of things that mindfuck with moviegoers

- Gravity defiance

- WOBBLE

- BWOOOOONNGG

- Cillian Murphy, Joseph Gordon Levitt

- MINDFUCKERY DOODLE DOO

- AWESOME COOL

- Han Zimmer

- BLINK-and-YOU'LL-MISS-IT keyplots

Well-played, Mr Nolan. Well- played. If you haven't seen it, please do. If you've seen it, please drop a comment here and we'll mull it over. Yeah. For the record also, Cillian Murphy's EYES GOOD LORD HAVE YOU SEEN HIS BLUE EYES.

It totally turns the tables on the kind of CRAP movies we seem to be getting these days. It has all the elements of a classic: Mind-boggling stuff, edge of the seat excitement, FLAWLESS execution of plot, timing, pacing and music...

It is a troper dream come true, please visit it's trope page at www.tvtropes.org.

For a serious movie lover, its ORGASMIC stuff. Go. Click. GO.

I wish I were braver.

I think now, I feel like I am on a plane headed for a skydive. It is awesome on the way up, filled with anticipation and a little bit of trepidation, but overall the feeling is one of exhilaration. I mean, WOW you’re going to skydive! Seeing the ground get smaller and smaller is so exciting! Everything is fine! And dandy!

But as the plane slowly climbs higher and higher, your excitement begins to wane. Fear sets in. Your fear of heights begins to set in. Suddenly it doesn’t seem such a good idea anymore. Oh dear, you think. I’m really about to leap out of a plane with nothing but flimsy harnesses and (what is essentially) a plastic balloon to save me from certain death.

Then you hear the voice of the pilot, saying “Okay, ready to jump?”

You look down and HOLY SHIT you cannot see the ground. All you see is SKY. LOTS AND LOTS OF SKY. NOWHERE SOFT TO LAND. HOSHIT, you think. HO-SHI-IT. I AM GOING TO GO SPLAT.

So you chicken out. You tuck your tail between your legs and say “I can’t do this. I can’t.”

The pilot gives you a pitying look, and then he lets you off, grumbling about wasting his time and money. He brings you down back to Earth and lands you on your feet.

You kiss the ground, ZOMG so glad for ground.

But that skydive didn’t end, actually. Eventually, you’ll have to get back up on that plane. The same process begins again. But this time, the pilot kicks you out of the plane.

So you scream on your way down. Scream so hard your throat is sore. Then you yank the lever, so that the parachute can save you.

BUT. IT. DOESN’T. OPEN.

Before you know it, you’re nothing but bits of flesh that the rescue team had to scrape off the pavement with a shovel. Brains, blood, bone and all.

Taking the leap scares everyone because sometimes, the parachute won’t open, and then you’ll end up splat on the ground.

The first time I got up that plane, I was excited. As I went higher and higher up, I was more excited. Then suddenly fear set in. I couldn’t jump. I was too scared. So I came back down, thankful, happy and glad.

But my plane won’t just stay on the ground. It will have to go up again, or else I’ll be landlubbed forever. So off I go. Only this time, the pilot really did kick me out.

I do not know if my parachute will open. Yet.

By now, again, you would have realised that this long and blabbering anecdote is supposed to be a metaphor for something. And it is.

The pilot that kicked me out (I mean it metaphorically, not literally like fired or nothing. I wasn’t fired) is somebody I (used to? I don’t know) respect. The plane I am on is my job here. And my parachute is the job offer that can be mine if I want it. But I don’t want it to be a sabotaged parachute, you know?

I want to be able to say goodbye to the pilot, who will wave and smile at me, then I want the plane to continue to go higher without me, and when I pull my parachute it will open with a smiley face.

Unfortunately, the ways things are now, I think my parachute will have a picture of my middle finger on it, and the pilot will probably throw a Molotov in my direction. Because like I said, I am a walking Murphy’s Law.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Mine was. I wanted to just do my job to the best of my ability, HECK, do MORE than the best of my ability, and to prove that they didn’t hire me for nothing, and to prove I can do such a good job I will be indispensable to the company. I wanted to prove how much I cared. I sound like a fuckin’ martyr but trust me, I am not. Why the heck do you think I am on the road to Hell now? It’s because my good intentions were clearly not going down well with somebody. I don’t know who, but somebody is unhappy that all I want to do is work hard for the paper.

I am thinking that my actions have overstepped boundaries, because the boundaries were blurred in the first place. Am I saying I am innocent? No. I am saying that all Demons of Hell ended up there because they just wanted to do something ‘more’. More is not better. Less is more, remember?

So I am going to have to stick it out. My mind is made up, and I cannot turn back, nor can I look back. I need to yank that lever and hope to God my parachute opens.

Here’s to hoping I don’t go Splat.

It's Broken, and No Amount of Glue Can Fix It

I used to have a Barbie Doll I liked very much.

Then she got broke, because I was too rough (yeah I was a doll-killer) and I chopped her hair off in effort to make her more interesting. Didn't work.

When she got broke, I dumped her into an old box and never looked at her again till it was time to throw her out/donate her to charity. (I think there is a Toy Story lesson here I should learn but I am too depressed. I'll deal with my guilt later.) Broken toy mah. Why keep?

I tried to keep her. I did. I re-cut her hair (made it worse), I coloured her lips and eyes with pretty colours (she looked like a clown), I bought spare shoes (then it went missing less than two days later) and I dressed her in spare clothes (also torn, caught it on her foot and was rough). So suffice to say, she got worse the more I tried to 'fix' her.

Yeah, so the conclusion here is I was a bad toy-owner. And by now you would have realised that this Barbie doll is actually a metaphor for my job. Which I love, very much, but it got broke when I tried to do more with it and fix it.

Because life is such that the more you try, the worse things get. It applies everywhere - I am a walking Murphy's Law, because if anything can go wrong for me, it will. The more I try, the worse I make it. It happened three years ago, it happened three days ago, and it will happen in right about three seconds... because THAT'S HOW MY LIFE WORKS.

Also added the fact that I am quite a stupid and clumsy person la, but I've seen stupider people get away with being stupid.

I messed up something very important to me a few years back, and now I am possibly doing it again... but this time it's through no fault of mine. Or maybe it is, I wouldn't know. I can no longer tell the difference between what I should do and what I shouldn't do.

Just a two days ago I received a 'dressing down' from a person who, in all fairness, has been negligent in the first place. Suddenly wishing to take charge and take power is not the way to work - especially since you have been shirking your duty for a long while, and I've been picking up your slack. I work harder than anyone else in this company (except the Sales team, they make the money, they work damn hard) and it isn't fair that I am accused of insubordination and of being argumentative.

The person I thought would actually listen and understand my side of things turned out to be... Not. At all. And all I've worked for suddenly is rendered useless and insignificant. And suddenly the freedom I am given is taken away. And worse of all, it is a yo-yo situation and I am suddenly very unsure of my footing.

You cannot take back what you've given, it's not fair. I don't mind a scolding, but only when it's fair. I've taken much worse scoldings before, and it's okay if it comes from fairness. But this isn't.

I am going to tender my resignation come end of the year, so as to give my HR time to find a replacement. I am going to go back to theSun's job offer and take them up on it. I cannot work in a place where someone wants power but not the responsibility.

Am I about to plan a mutiny? Just my own. Just my own. I quit. Bye bye.