The Five Most IRRITATING Types of LRT Takers,
by Pauline Wong

The Spread-Legged Citizens of Wide Open

Typical Physical Profile: Male, of varying ages, usually less than 3 feet tall and incredibly eager to overcompensate by occupying as much seat as humanly possible.

Typical Psychological Profile: Suffers from ribald jokes of being small, tiny, miniscule, microscopic or minute on a regular basis, is deeply traumatized for life and hence must take two seats with one leg, fill two spots with one body, and possibly wear two shoes for one foot (for extra height).

Standard Operating Procedure: Sits slumped on the seat, legs spread wide open enough to knock into your knees and provide enough visual feasts to unwanted and unwelcomed displays of male anatomy. Also, often digs elbows into next person, a task learnt with great aplomb from:

The Elbow Digger, Inside a Train, D-I-G-G-I-N-G

Typical Physical Profile: Male and female of a usually past-it age. Average height. SHARP, sharp elbows. Jaw thrust out, sits absolutely rigid in seat.

Typical Psychological Profile: Inconsideration is his/her middle name. Had tragic childhood experiences of never being able to fill the spaces between life and love; hence feels the need to fill space between your sides and his/her side with healing power of ELBOLOGY. Digs into your side with every action, due to a need to feel connected constantly.

Standard Operating Procedure: Taking out phone from pocket? Dig. Looking for something in bag? Poke. Sitting around daydreaming like the rest of us during a 40-minute journey? Must sit with elbows sticking out. Does not respond to repeated hisses of irritation or to annoyed shifting-in-seat.

The Motor Mouth Monster

Typical Physical Profile: Male and female of all ages. Does not have specific nor distinct physical characteristics other than a very very very very active mouth and volumes that defy sound barriers.

Typical Psychological Profile: While it is safe to say that it gets awfully dreadful sitting in the train alone, none of the drudgery of LRT can excuse the Motor Mouth. This person talks at the top of his/her voice, past even the all-out rock melodies of 30 Seconds to Mars and the screeching of the LRT. Often dulcet, definitely unctuous, this voice is the one you cannot escape, come earplugs or earphones. He/she has opinions on everything from Najib to Never-neverland and can’t. stop. talking. Possibly suffers from severe self-love, brought about by deprived childhood. Person sitting next to this Monster Mouth is the one with the glazed eyes, flushed cheeks and KILLMENOW look. Note: Nobody talks in the LRT because it is a time for contemplative reflection on the day’s work.

Standard Operating Procedure: IgottohavethisbagItellyouthisismydreambesidesopeningashopsellingshoesandbagsIalsowantedttocelebrateNewYear’sEvebutareyoudoinganythinglaterOMGIhatemybossandheissuchaprickandAvatarissuchagoodmoviebutIwishIsawitin3DDidyouhearaboutSarahyesterdayatworkshecriedbecauseherboyfrienddumpedherandshe*DEEPBREATH*couldnottakethepressureandthensheOMGdidyourealiseIhavejustbeentalkingforthelasthalfhournonstopHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


The BAG Lady

Typical Physical Profile: Have no idea. Bag’s too big to see past and identify the perpetrator’s physical profile.

Typical Psychological Profile: The female version of the Spread-Legged. Uses enormous bag to occupy more space than necessary, and does not bother to carry it in a less obtrusive way. After all, her psychologist told her the world is hers. Hers alone. There is no one behind, infront, next to or around her because she spent her life with an overbearing mother, and she is beyond that now. She also has a phobia of not having enough space to put her bowling equipment in her bag, and constantly needs to feel secure by carrying her garden tools with her at all times, just in case.

Standard Operating Procedure: GIANORMOUS bag, placed exactly where IT will poke, prod, obstruct and potentially disembowel anyone who comes in contact with IT.

Couple’s Retreat: Tale of Two Morons

Typical Physical Profile: Also have no idea. They are too glued together to be identified separately. Can be determined to be male and female but this is not a hard and fast rule. However, they can be found at entrances/exits of the train, locked in heated embrace and blocking the entrance/exit.

Typical Psychological Profile: Love is in the air. Love is in the train. Love is where the heart is. Love is also when they successfully make another’s life just that little bit harder by blocking the exits as the doors DING DONG to a close. Deprived? No. Enlightened and loving.

Standard Operating Procedure: Nearest exit? Check. Place bodies strategically to obstruct disembarking passengers, even though train is empty? Check. Gag-inducing kisses and canoodles? Check. Irate writer of a youth newspaper whose life is made harder when she is blocked from exiting and is SMASHED by train doors on her attempt to land at Wangsa Maju? Check. Oh isn’t this fun, darling?