Malaysia's Next Top Moocher

I am an expert moocher. I mooch for a living. I mooch on Mondays. I mooch on Tuesdays. I mooch everyday. I like to mooch.

And for all you uninformed people out there, mooching is the fine, ancient and almost extinct art of being the laziest S.O.B you can possibly be, but with such style and such grace; that many will admire you for it.

Mooching, or Moochery, begins with the utter conviction that the world is moving at a pace that you want it to move. Forget deadlines. Forget the high-speed life that is Uni life. Then, from the appropriate state of mind, we shall move on to achieving the right actions and gestures, which includes a permanent attachment to one's bed/sofa/couch, a slight drooling, a slumped shoulder and a signature twitch.

Once we've acheived the appropriate first level, we move on to the higher level, Publicus Trainus Moochingus Artus.

This delicate and powerful art requires the utmost of concentration and a perfect spot for the mooching to take place. The ideal mooch spot is, without a single doubt, in one of the four corners of each compartment.

From there on, one must face a great challenge. The early level mooching techniques do not apply here anymore. For one, there is no bed/sofa/couch. Drooling is prohibited, lest one is arrested and thrown into the little place we call Tanjung Rambutan, and trust me, it's not an orchard.

So, when one is at this Master Level, one must be One with the Fork. Errr, I mean, Forge. No... that's not it....but you get my point.

The hands must be in the pocket, and this is a fine art, because one must distiguish oneself from the riffraff that come from the School of Lepak. Mooching is art, Lepak is... well. Ahem. The thumbs must be hooked just at the pocket; not too much, and not too little.

The expression on one's face is harder to master. It must be a cross between aloof indifference, boredom, slight maniacy and a whole lot of jaw-jutting and scowling. Shift from one leg to another from time to time, scowl at the train doors as if they offended your ancestors and you have it.

When your destination arrives, slouch out and yawn, as if the world is your chicken noodle soup.

Oh yes, and do enrol for lessons at Pauline's School of Mooching and Moochery. Think Hog-warts are cool? Wait till you see Mooch-warts. Muahahahaha.