Perhaps I am just delaying the inevitable; but I do think the time will come when I will have to rip me guts out and spill it. All over the floor. Undignified. Ungraceful. Like sitting in the LRT with no clothes on... (though that is a dream of mine that keeps reccuring, sorry for ruined appetites). It is akin to laying your entire naked body in the middle of the train tracks. It is like putting your entire being out there for sacrifice...only that no rain will fall because you die or no famine will end for your great sacrifice... more like the only thing that happens is your heart gets ripped out and fed to the hounds of hell.
Possibilities and probabilities, misunderstandings, misread signs and looking too deeply into things that mean absolutely nothing. That is right now, the story of my life. Thoughts and feelings, swelling up like a spider/caterpillar/bloody-vicious-insect bite. Agony? You aint' seen nuthin' yet, ladies and gentlemen.
Confusion? Yeah sure, truck loads. Conflicting emotions? Enormous truck loads. Cowardice? Even larger truckloads. Anyone interested please contact me; they go for a buck a tonne.
Worse part? Knowing you can never get the one you want. NEVER. Because more often than not, the scales tip one-sided. Lucky, if you are on the side that is not being tipped. Not lucky if you are doing the tipping. Which I am. And there is no way I will ever be able to tell if there IS one-sided tipping (though I am fairly certain that there is)... it's all guesswork.
So hit me people. Literally. Knock me out. If I could have ONE BLOODY MINUTE where I do not have to THINK I would be eternally grateful.
Because thinking is bad, feeling is worse and longing is the worst of all.
Throw in a feeling of abject stupidity and despair, and hey, I know a tall building where we can all just jump off....
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