The Thought

Okay, so, here's something I wrote long ago; so it's not exactly my best work. But I do think that this story really represented a part of me that was very significant at some point of my life. Though now I no longer think these thoughts, I feel that it is important I get it out in the open; because I am ready to let go now. All the past hurts, all the past rejection, all the bad stuff that made me feel like a pile of excrement. I am giving them up now. So here goes: The Thought. The poem at the end is actually the lyrics to my favourite pieces of all time; Vide Cor Meum or See my Heart, written by Dante Alighieri and composed by Peter Cassidy and Hans Zimmer, as used in Hannibal.



And the thought came to her; unbidden, as it flashed by like a passing shower on a sunny day. Vivid as red blood, her vision clouds over with images of hate, and regret for the life she lived but never wanted to have. Inside her mind’s eye she saw her death come upon her. And she wished for it; welcomed it akin to a cold refuge from the unbearable heat of the world. A casual flick of the wrist could not be as casual as these thoughts of life’s end. And the thought pounced upon her and held her in its grip.

It stayed as a vision at the back of her mind, showing itself whenever her heart seemed as if it could no longer bear the burden of sustaining life. Hot blood pouring into eager veins and swollen flesh. Hot tears streaming out of bitter eyes and fragile lips trembling. A body left to live; a soul left to die.

Voices speak and words do not form in her head. Barbed words thrown with accuracy designed to kill. Harsh words breaking splintered heart; paper-thin courage torn to shreds. Indifferent toward broken spirit; deafness feigned but whispers too loud ringing in her ears. Raised voices saying things she did not want to hear. Tension thicker than unbroken bread; and the thought came to her again like a sweet lover’s words.

The thought engulfed her entire being; numbness in her heart never ceasing. The thought rose and fell in waves and swells and held her tight. Soft arms and smooth skin brushed her tattered shell. Sharp claws fought its way from oblivion to life. Wisps of smoke taking form.

And then the thought controlled her. It moved like a sinuous snake; like a slippery creature bent on crawling its way from where it held itself in captivity. It compelled her to take action.

So, like a marionette trapped in it’s bonds; amidst the whispers of the tranquil death, she slept.

E pensando di lei
Mi sopragiunse uno soave sonno
Ego dominus tuus
Vide cor tuum
E d'esto core ardendo
Cor tuum
Lei paventosa
Umilmente pascea.
Appresso gir lo ne vedea piangendo.
La letizia si convertia
In amarissimo pianto
Io sono in pace
Cor meum
Io sono in pace
Vide cor meum